Missing Month

So, as someone kindly pointed out...it's been a while. I guess the month of February wasn't all that fascinating. It was mostly filled with stress and anger and pain. Not physical pain, just pain. I guess I'm still feeling that pain. It's trying to figure out what that pain is that's the problem, you know.

People, and by people I mean you, yes Darling, you, always ask me what's wrong, and I really do mean it when I say that I don't know. I feel like that's my saving grace though...in a weird, twisted kind of sense. I feel like knowing what hurts would make it hurt worse and I can't take that right now. Maybe when the stress dies down, maybe when I feel like I can keep it all together. But I just can't deal with that right now...if that's alright with you. I know you want what's best for me, I really do, but this is something that I really can't be pushed on. I trust you to respect that, and you really respected that lately. I really, really appreciate that and all I'm asking for is a little more time. Just a little more time. Thank you.

Trust is a funny thing, if you think about it really. Especially with us. I'm sorry that you doubt my trust in you sometimes, because God knows that you deserve my trust more than anyone. I just, I'm stupid. Real stupid. I can't get over stuff that I totally should have been way over a long time ago...and it's hurting me still which is just stupid. Gah. Anyyyyywayyyyy. I think I've given you enough to digest tonight.

Don't you think?

Aimless Post...the first of many

I over-react. A lot. About everything. Every little thing. I'm sure it annoys people, I mean, why wouldn't it? It annoys me when people do it, yet, I can't seem to help myself.

Like, this morning. I woke up a half hour late and was freaking out that I wouldn't have time to do anything. Then, we get into NYC and the curls that I worked so hard to get in, had already fallen out. Let me just tell you, I was not a happy camper. Then, I started freaking out about the audition. I mean, HELLO! IT WAS NYU! And then, it was so chill, like, so chill that it almost freaked me out to the point where I couldn't function. Actually, that's an exaggeration. I wasn't that scared...scared, but not quite that much. The audition went surprisingly well.

I keep getting this crazy rash on the side of my face, which also has me freaked out. It keeps popping up. I'm sure it's not a big deal or anything. But it's one of those little things that I freak out about. Like, who cares if I have a rash on my face? No one. That's who.

Well, this was a pretty focus-less post, but hey! It's what I felt...what I feel, rather.

I want you to be happy...

So, there are two things I want to talk about tonight.

1st- This audition I have tomorrow. Have you ever wanted so badly not to do something that you know you sorta kinda have to? That's how I feel about this Tisch audition. I know it's a great school...but seriously? I'm never going to get into Tisch, let alone get into NYU in the first place. I guess I'm scared of being rejected or laughed at or whatever. But, I guess it shouldn't matter. All I can do it go in and do my best; go in there and do what I was born to do. Sing my little heart out.

2nd- How much love do you think we have in our hearts? Is it enough to be able to truly commit ourselves to making one person's life better than they possibly imagined it could be? Well, I believe that we have as much love as we want to have. I'm doing this monologue, you see, from Sarah Ruhl's play, Euryidice, and let me just tell you, she loves her husband. She is able to do what millions of people wish they could do (should they be put in that situation): she tells him, wholeheartedly, to move onto a life without her. She acts more selflessly than I think I would ever be able to act. I'd love to be able to express that kind of selfless love, but, alas, I am a very selfish person. I know it. I just, well, I want what I want, when I want it. That simple, actually. But I wonder, all the time, if I could do that. If I could give up all my happiness and joy to see my significant other happy. Maybe? I like to think I'd be able to do it...think being the key word there.

Falling to Pieces.

Songs are my solace. Any kind of song. Listening to the lyrics, a singer's actual voice, the melody, the harmonies. The intricate way those pieces fit together to create something that contains more power and truth than anything I think I've know...well, for the most part. It's incredible to me how people can do this...take something that people listen to every day and give more thought to it than anyone ever realizes.

Take, for instance, the song "Breakeven" by The Script. The song is about what almost every song on the radio is about today: being alone and how to deal with it.

First, let's look at the lyrics, well my favorite excerpts anyway:

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your okay
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

So, it says what you think it will, right? "Here I am, I made it through this, but barely. How can I live without you? How will I ever make it through?". It's boring when you read it like that. Now, listen to it.

The singer's smokey, challenged, struggling voice makes the song worthwhile. Listen to the way he sings the simple word "say". Can't you feel that? Don't you feel the pain? For me, that one word, that one little word, is this song.

So maybe this isn't your idea of a happy song. Not that it's really mine either...in fact, it really doesn't describe the situation I have right now. It's more about the situation I worry will happen someday...the situation I know I could not bear.

My First Time

I've never really done this before. I've never really planned on doing this before. But this weekend, after a classy dinner party and reading the blogs of some of our peers, I guess I figured I'd give it a shot.

I'm not a really interesting person. I don't see myself as someone who's blog people would actually read for enjoyment (whether that enjoyment be from making fun of my thoughts or from agreeing with them). I've never been the best writer by any stretch of the imagination. But, I love it. When I was little, I used to write these stories and I had wild dreams about becoming a famous writer. Oh! And I was a brilliant lyricist. I would hum little melodies in my head and write out words that fit. Looking back, I was a little bit disillusioned. Just a little. Writing helps me heal, though...which is stupid for me to say, right? Heal. What could I possibly have to heal from?

I don't want to talk about that right now, though. Too deep for a first post. Bored yet? I warned you! Or did you take that as a challenge? Maybe you do find me interesting. Props to you, then.

I don't really expect anyone to care about what I say here, so I'm just going to say what I want. For me. But you are most certainly welcome to comment on it. I like getting feedback. It helps me with that whole...healing thing. Maybe someday I'll tell you what I'm healing from. If you're lucky, that is.

So, was my first time a success?